Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
