like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
