You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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