May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
