So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
