Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize