If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
