just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I need a beard to bite.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
