Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
