Fine. I'll sleep in my office
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
