I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
