Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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