I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
