Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You can't special order awesome
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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