ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
