i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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