Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize