There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
