My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
