ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
