Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
