Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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