Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
