She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
