What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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