theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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