My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
