I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
