a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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