I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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