apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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