New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
