i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
