Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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