I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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