DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
