mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
