I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
