I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
