My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
