1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
