I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
