having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
