Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
where does the pee come out of this thing
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
