Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
