She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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