Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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