Even water is tasting like jack daniels
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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