Capitaan dildo arrescate!
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
