They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
