there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
