I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
