Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
