My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
