fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
