AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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