nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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