Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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