He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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