Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The power of my boobs compel you
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
