I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
