someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
