Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
