I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
