the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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