Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
