btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize