I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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