so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
