my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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